someone threw a dead crab at me
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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