I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Randomize
