I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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