Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
