he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize