I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
