true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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