i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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