She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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