saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
she peed on how many people?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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