I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
