and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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