Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Randomize
