bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
