my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize