As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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