Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
