If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I've blown a few things in my day
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
