I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
