So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
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