I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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