I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
