why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
