I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
