I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize