I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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