How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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