my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
It's blow job season.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
