umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
