are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
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