Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
