Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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