So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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