i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
