I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I need to calm my uterus...
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Randomize
