How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I should be sponsored by Trojan
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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