I think my fart just growled at me.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
