I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize