i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I love having hate sex.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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