He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
