i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
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