I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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