4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
