Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
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