Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
