When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
