My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
