my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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