if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
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