So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Randomize
