Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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