A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
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