so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
