Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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