I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize