I can tuck mytits in my pants
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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