Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
why is half of my head shaved?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
