Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
