You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
