Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
