I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
