dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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