I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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