Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
