I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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