after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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