I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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